Life continues at 44 and 3/4

Well, bless me father, it’s been a year since my last blog.
Why is that I ask myself.
Well I suppose it’s just that I have been trying to just get on with life and not be so self- analytical (or to put it simply: Thinking too much).
But it’s been a hell of a year.
My last blog was fairly optomistic, as if I believed that with careful control over my emotions and choices, everything was gonna be alright.

I haven’t really managed to learn from past mistakes at all this year.
Yes, I opened myself up to meeting new people but then ended up allowing myself to get hurt and vulnerable again, and just jumped from one emotional/sexual relationship to another each ending in some kind of mini-drama and emotional turmoil.

I also started the treatment for disease last October and, as predicted it has seriously affected my emotional state causing insomnia, irritability, and severe depression.

So here I am a year on wondering what this year is gonna be like.

You see the problem with life is there is no way of knowing what is gonna happen next. Somehow during the year, my subconscious realisation of this fact coupled with the feeling of lack of control and helplessness led me to start reading my Horoscope.

Now I know why Horoscopes are so popular. People just want a head-start or a hint of what could be around the corner. But even if horoscopes are true, they are never specific enough, even a personal chart can be interperated in 100’s of ways and can be made to fit either what you hope will happen or what has just happened.

Well on the good side, my virus levels are being hit by the treatment, but I have to cope with the depressive effects of the treatment too, possibly for another whole year yet.

I failed really in the creativity department. My musical development took a back seat while I got wrapped up in the consecutive mini relationships with people I met.

By the end of 2005, I really had enough of being constantly dissapointed by people and with my depression increasing, so did the return of my self-destructive habits of overspending and sex/drug-binges.

I really have to pull myself in line again now. I am trying to get myself to knuckles down and concentrate on my health and my creativity. As somebody said to me recently, being creative can be lonely, and that’s true. It really does take discipline to stay indoors and write and record when you crave some human contact, company, or conversation. This became the case even more during the summer when we had really good weather and I just wanted to be outdoors as much as possible. But I really do need to get the balance right somehow. I need to be creative for the sake of my self-esteem.


I must admit, my mind is very mixed up at the moment. Something isn’t working. Is it just the side –effects of the medication making me feel so hopeless or is it just my constant repetition of the same old mistakes in life with people, emotions, money, and time.

It is probably a mixture of both.

Somehow I must try to turn things around. But I go through this trying to put some structure in my life constantly. I try imposing timetables and deadlines on myself but I always fail to keep them up. Maybe it’s because I only have myself to answer to. It makes me feel so weak and crap when I can’t stick to things that I want to do.

Well I will try again. I have got into an unhappy pattern and am spiraling downwards once again. I have got to regain some control.
But I think I will have to change my approach to my goals because the old approach has failed time and time again.

Note to self: Watch this space .Things have to change.


«#Blogging Brits?»

Life begins at 43 and 3/4

«#Blogging Brits?»

It’s just under a year since I returned to work. The previous year had been one of the most traumatic in my life for many years. It was full of sickness, low self esteem, uncertainty, and debt. I knew my life had just changed and it felt like it might really end soon. I had endless hospital visits, lots of therapy and a very prolonged deep depression.

Getting to the stage where I was ready to return to work took almost a year and it was a very difficult thing to achieve. I had zero self-confidence, and as I had no belief in myself, I could only move forward based on the trust I had in those who had supported me through the most difficult times and believe that if they said I could do it, then maybe I could and that if I were to fail they would be there for me still to help me back up again.

I took the plunge and went back to work, and though I didn’t have a permanent position to return to I was lucky to join a couple of friendly teams who allowed me to ease back to work gently without too much pressure. I also had some fantastic support from Personnel too, a couple of people there in particular.

I had started seeing a new psychotherapist at the beginning of the year and he was great and really helped me to work on my issues and self esteem. I had my last session with him at the end of 2004 with the knowledge that I can see him again if I experience more problems when I start my liver treatment due to the side effects.

Somehow I have managed to take a good look at my life and fix some of the things that were causing my depression and low self-esteem. Now the test for me is to hang onto the self-insight I have gained and stay away from the old bad habits and behaviour patterns which make me so vulnerable. I have been through so much pain before that I am quite conscious all the time about protecting myself from vulnerable situations and keeping up with the things that make me feel good about myself.

Sex and relationships have always been a problem area for me. I have now decided to dip my toe in the water and expose myself to the possibilities of meeting new people. I must hang on to my identity while at the same time not acting like damaged goods and be emotionally withdrawn. I must be open, but at the same time be cautious and not too open and accessible. I have to learn to hold back something of myself. I feel stronger now, but I have kept myself protected for a long time now. I must stay strong, and keep developing myself, not looking to others or sex with others to boost my feelings, but the more quality, long lasting achievements of my own like my music recordings, compositions and harmonic playing.